The MrD Biography

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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious and made up while sitting on the toilet. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and I accept no responsibility for the waste of peoples time reading this.

MrD was born in the year 19 something or other and it was the most perfect conception ever with the exception of the sweet baby Jesus. Apparently he flew out with such force it was reminiscent of the 40-80mph times of a Porsche Cayman, unfortunately the nurses at the time didn’t have the suitable timing equipment to accurately measure this.

MrD struggled in his early years making friends and bonding with other babies. This may have been due to his incessant need to compete and race at every opportunity. Baby races were a feature of his childhood often picking on the fatter slower babies and humiliating them on his homemade playroom racetrack. Nothing annoyed the other children than having to chase MrD and have a face full of his shit filled nappy across the playroom. His parent often uttered the immortal words “He lives his life a quarter of the playroom at a time” much to the annoyance of other parents who seemed to visit less and less frequently.

MrD soon had his first steps with the help of his baby walker and this is when he discovered his passion for four wheel vehicles. However, it wasn’t enough to be able to move around freely, he had to do it faster than anyone else without any regards to other peoples safety. Bigger wheels were fitted to the baby walker and all rattles and toys were removed in a weight saving exercise. A speak and spell was used to collect data and wind tunnel testing commenced, this often led to nappy changes. To say this child was full of shit would be an understatement but weight saving is paramount!!!

Nursery soon followed and a pattern was emerging. MrD had managed to walk before any other child, speak before any other child, corner better and was quicker over a short distance. He seemed to be a natural competitor, unfortunately because of his arrogance and ability to argue black is white until the end of time he had no friends. This meant that he was unable to compete with anybody except his shadow, whom he beat many times!!!

MrD often went to school with a stopwatch hidden in his pants and monitored all the other children, watching them run and play. Although a little creepy it was all part of MrDs elaborate plan. He was compiling data!! At home he had detailed portfolios of all the children, measuring cornering speeds, acceleration, top speed, weight, wind resistance etc. When school sports day came around you would think MrD would clean up!!??? Wrong!! In his first race, the 100 metres, he walked the first 75 metres while all the other children sprinted and finished in reasonable times. MrD reached the 75 metre marker and sprinted as fast as he could over the last 25 metres finishing to a crescendo of laughter. MrD then argued with all the other kids until he was blue in the face about how he was faster in the last 25 metres and the first 75 metres aren’t important. At this point he produced his data portfolio with multiple graphs and overlays showing everyone how he had the best 25 metre time. Hated and ridiculed, he never took part in any further events that day and was banished from all further sports days. His parents, slightly embarrassed turned to a family next to them and said “Well our MrD does like to live his life a quarter of a …..” WHACK!!!! They never got to finish their sentence and never returned to the school again.

Secondary school followed and undeterred by the humiliation and torment of his previous years he continued in much the same way. MrD was a bit of a geek and liked his computers and of course a MrD computer is the best computer in the world. Arguing with everyone including the school bully as to why his ZX Spectrum was a better computer than any other alternatives often led to wedgies, head down the toilet visits and general beatings. MrD plainly refused to accept that maybe just maybe he could be wrong and always reacted to the baiting of others he was and still is easy to manipulate. Imagine Marty McFly when someone called him a chicken and multiply times ten!! MrD got beaten……..a lot Thankfully games companies kept bringing out new hardware allowing MrD to raise his head above the parapet each time and the beatings continued. Nintendo, Sega, Microsoft, Sony and PC’s, I thank them all!!! Sometimes children would make up fictional games consoles out of cardboard boxes just to antagonise him and issue a beating.

MrD often dreamt of a way to blindly argue with people without suffering all the physical abuse and humiliation. Later on in life you can imagine the joy he experienced upon discovering the internet and forums this oddly tied in with his first sexual experience!

Anyhow back to school, now MrD wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box struggling with all subjects and a perennial underachiever. English and many other subjects were a washout but he showed an interest in Science and Maths. Science was soon scrapped though as MrD turned to religion and in one memorable lesson MrD argued constantly with the teacher about the origin of the species, his interpretation of the bible, how god has forgiven MrD for his sins and how the teacher will go to hell for teaching witchcraft. The lesson was on photosynthesis!! Maths was soon shelved too as after an initial interest it seemed he couldn’t grasp many of the questions. For instance in response to the question: “If a train left London at 9:00am and travelled at a speed of 100mph for 3 hours towards Scotland where would it stop?” MrD wrote “What were the 0-60 and 60-80 times of the train and how fast would the train do the quarter mile? Also is it an English train or a German train as a German train will obviously be quicker and better value and easier to modify and you could fit a GT3 throttle body and get more bhp and be faster than other trains and corner better and get better mpg and and and……”. Upon permanent removal from the Maths lessons MrD admirable continued his Maths education by marking out the 0-60 times of cars on the sunshine bus window using his tongue.

MrD was a keen cyclist at school and was given an old racer frame that he built up with componentry he declared as the best available ever. From power rangers to PlayStations what MrD had was always the best!!! Each piece was individually weighed and the bike was assembled with a ridiculously anal attention to detail. Many an argument ensued at the bike shed as MrD argued that nobody should rest their bikes against his far superior one off machine and that people could only dream of owning a bike as special as his. The bike had the very same frame that Lance Arsebung rode to win a race around his local park for a packet of slightly soggy Jaffa Cakes. However MrD rode it like an asthmatic Parkinson sufferer and many believe the phrase “All the gear and no idea” is a direct reference to him. There was also another phrase kicked about and although not as catchy it was just as interesting: “You are a prick and one day I will steal that bike out your garage, wipe my knob all over it, jizz down the seat post and leave it somewhere for the Police to discover”, at this time I cannot confirm if this is factual or not. Kids eh!!!

Upon leaving school with no qualifications, a fear of bike sheds, a cult like mentality and his virginity intact he moved into the world of IT. Somehow it seemed appropriate as it gave him an opportunity to hide his stupidity, a lack of qualifications and use forums to declare himself as a self-proclaimed prophet …….I mean expert!! At first he was an expert in everything PC and game related but then moved onto cameras, bikes, the universe and more importantly cars! If he so desired, using the power of forums and Google he found he could be an expert in just about anything. Nothing was impossible now, he could pass off other people’s opinions as his own, collect data from reliable and unreliable sources to forge arguments, ignore glaring truths and make false statements true simply by writing “FACT” at the end, make bigoted intellectually retarded statements and argue until he cum in his little cotton socks and all without getting beaten up. This was much better than school!!! But where should he exercise his new found powers? At first he started with Science forums, arguing that God will banish all the Alchemists to hell, then onto homosexual forums where he put forward much the same arguments. Camera forums, bike forums they all felt his wrath and of course he had God on his side and we all know he made everything including the Internet.

MrD grew tired and wondered if there was a single place where he could spout his drivel rather than having to spread himself across many forums. Then one day he found it!! It was like god had come down and touched him almost like that time when he was in the church choir but not as sore. Yes, he had found SELOC, a place where there was so much opportunity; Chapmans Arms was the promised lands!!

Now what would be the best approach for this onslaught? MrD thought long and hard about this and came up with a plan, first he bought a Lotus then belittled the car, Lotus themselves and all owners on the forum. He then modified the car making it infinitely better than anyone else’s car and of course improving on Lotus efforts, this was the best car ever!!!! Then it was sold. He then proceeded to buy various other cars, mostly German shite and this is where it all followed the same odious pattern. Buy car, compare car to Lotus, modify car, car is now better than ever, state various in gear times (using the same timing gear Evo use you know!!), insult all Lotus efforts some more, compare against some supercar, post how awesome his car is on many threads some not even relating to cars, get bored, sell car, buy more German tat and so it continued.

Arguments ensued, baiting continued and slowly but surely his inadequacies were put to rest as he now had something he had never experienced before, he was popular, he had the attention he had subconsciously craved for years. His threads attracted lots of views and in his tiny little mind people were listening to his opinions. Scientists have subsequently related this phenomenon to a cross between rubber necking when there is a bad traffic accident, listening to Jeremy Kyle for 5 mins, watching Big Brother and also watching the cringe worthy acts on some I can’t sing reality show. They have aptly named this “The BigRubbery [Censored] Factor” and it is present in all inadequate German car owning men. Still what do scientists know? They are all going to hell and so am I………